FRIDAY THE 13TH
Jason Voorhees: “I’m developmentally and cranially disabled. I’d prefer it if you camp counselors would entertain me instead of making all the love all the time.”
Camp Counselors: (making the sex) “Oohh, aaahh, oooo…”
Jason: “Well, fuck it then. I’m going for a swim.” (Drowns)
Jason’s Ma: “You dicks let my kid drown, so here you go.” (Kills most of them)
Remaining Counselor, In Boat: “Well, looks like I survived. Whee!”
Jason: (Sproings out of lake and grabs her) “Sproing! Yoink!”
THE EXORCIST
Regan: “Oh, mommy, we’re so happy in our nice house. It’s so great that you’re rich.”
Regan’s Ma: “Yup.”
Regan: “Check out this Ouja board…”
Regan’s Ma: “Uh Huh. Neat.”
Regan (Now all icky and sweary mouthed): “F-WORD! C-WORD! JESUS IS NOT MY FAVORITE!”
Regan’s Ma: “D’oh!”
Father Damien: “Hey, demon? Feel like leaving?”
Regan: “Bllluuurrrggggggghhhhhh” (pukes green stuff at him)
Father Damien: “If you want, you can possess me instead?”
Demon: “That’s cool.”
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
Guy in Farmhouse: “There’s a bunch of zombies out there.”
Other folks: “Yep. They’re eating people.”
Guy: “Yep, that’s what makes them zombies, dumbs.”
Zombies: (eating guts) “Blearggggggg.”
Sheriff: (Shoots a zombie, then the hero). “Thank fuck that’s over.”
HALLOWEEN
Laurie Strode: “That guy who looks like William Shatner is killing all my friends. And also me, evidently.”
Dr. Loomis: “That’s cuz he’s evil. Eeeeeevil.”
Laurie Strode: “Eeeek. He’s strangling me.”
Dr. Loomis: (shoots Shatner guy, looks unsurprised when he doesn’t just die).
You’re welcome.
– Matt Johnson
co-owner/bartender/ruiner
