Did you make up all the cocktails on your list?
About half of them, with a couple contributed by current and former staff (Gia and Drew). The rest are old recipes from legendary bartenders born so long ago that they’re no longer not dead.
I was in the other night…
Excellent. That’s…you know, awesome.
Let me finish. I was in the other night and a creepy guy kept asking me questions about cheese. What can you do about it?
That was me. I was trying to figure out what you wanted on your burger. And while I may be creepy, my mom says I’m cool and those who don’t just don’t know me well enough. Not that I’m desperate for anyone to like me better. P.S. Please like me better.
You know that one bartender? What’s his deal?
We have one bartender that’s part Ork. I’m not telling you which one.
Your fries taste unhealthy and delicious. I should be concerned about the “unhealthy” part, but I don’t care.
That’s not a question.
Can I have a job?
I don’t know, CAN you? I always wanted to do that. In your face, mom!
I heard you and your wife recently had a baby. Can I hold her?
We did, and they both make me happy now, as opposed to just one of them making me happy previously. And no, you can’t. Hey, sorry, I had no say in it. My little girl’s only six weeks old, but she makes the decisions. She’s got an iron will, despite not being able to hold her own head up yet.
I’m bored with all my music. What should I do?
If you like the rock, go buy all the Black Keys albums, a bunch of Hellacopters, and Baby by the Detroit Cobras. If you need some whiskey-throat country rock, buy Rebels, Rogues, and Sworn Brothers by Lucero. If you like the growly metal, get The Way of All Flesh by Gojira. There are more, but that should keep you busy for a couple days.
I was the guy who tagged your bathroom a couple months back. Did you enjoy my “art”?
Yes. I enjoyed it so much I’d like to discuss it with you more. There’s a contract for providing us with much more art along with a hundred thousand dollar cash advance back in the liquor room. Yep, right over there – just past where I had to jackhammer the floor up and dig a large hole for, uh, plumbing problems. Shhhhhhhhhhh…it’ll all be okay soon.
Do you know how to make a Flaming Monkey Ass Juice shot? My friends and I made it up the other night. It was orange.
Nope. I wasn’t there when you made it, remember? Wait, was I there? Stop freaking me out.
You look like you need a haircut.
I do. I apologize for my ugliness. Please refer to the question about the newborn baby for an excuse. I’ll be using that for a LOT of things for a long time. Matter of fact, why don’t we all go ahead and just assume that whatever question you have with regard to my appearance, tardiness, eye-bags, weight-gain, foot pain, mental aptitude, change-making ineptitude, order-taking forgetfulness, or thousand-yard stare will be answered the same way. It won’t always be true, but we can still play our little game.
All these questions are obviously fake. Can we ask real ones?
By God, if you’ve read this far, I salute thee and invite you to ask whatever questions you want via the comments. I’ll answer them all. Really. Please notice that I didn’t promise a time frame. Also please notice when I DO get a haircut, cuz it’s not like it’s easy to take 10 minutes out of my way. Thank you, and please remember what I said about the ghost that lives in the mop closet. Uh, wait, I didn’t mention that. Forget I said anything.
Heart,
Matt J
